Approach Anxiety Decoded

In this article I will discuss approach anxiety and some tips that may just help you barrel through it. But to know how to deal with it, first off let us decode AA to and look at what it is and why it exists.

We are born with a certain level of survival information hardcoded into our genetic make up. Like the fear of spiders, heights or fear of the dark. All of these so called phobias are inborn in some of us from ancient times to help us survive.

AA is the same way, it is coded into us from the times we lived in small tribes shaped very much like packs. It was composed of leaders (alphas), leaders inner circle and commoners. Like the wolf pack it was the alpha whom got the best of everything necessary to survive, the best food, driest shelter and not to mention the best and most fertile female/females.

AA was the mechanism that kept us from approaching the wrong females, because if they belonged to the leader you would in best case scenario end up an outcast and at worse end up in a ditch. Being rejected by a female within a small community also held the potential that other females would follow suit and reject your offer to mate with them. Not being able to mate meant the end of your very gen pool, it meant that all that you were would be weeded out of existence forever.

Approach Anxiety

To best describe the feeling of AA is pretty simple:

Arachnophobes do this little experiment when you see a spider; try touching with your hand, touch this eight legged, hairy, four eyed little creature of nightmares. Now if you are the type I am referring to in this example, you just felt a shiver go through your spine.

Someone who is scared of spiders will freeze, feel an anxiety. Every fiber of your being will want to get as far from this little creature as possible.

There is also social programming and upbringing. All in all we are (or at least are supposed to be) brought up to have some form of manners. You are not supposed to talk to strangers, you should raise your hand when speaking, you should not speak unless spoken to and so on. We are programmed to "behave" and to not "intrude".

You will notice that those who are so called natural with women have an ease they speak with in general, they are often easy to get in contact with, have many friends and have no problems striking up a conversation with an stranger, be it male or female. Whatever the reason it happens and when it happens it stops you from living the life you wish to live.

Some really bad news...

if you have AA to any degree, like a phobia you will more or less have it for the rest of your life (if you do find a way to rid it completely, feel free to give me a call)

But like anything else in life it can be improved on IF you put in the WORK, it cannot be removed but it can be managed and that is the first goal of any aspiring social artist. Stop resisting it, it's there, it will be there and to be honest you want it there. Once you have it under manageable circumstances it actually makes the game more fun, you know like riding the rollercoaster,  would you really ride a rollercoaster if it did not give you that little tickle in the pit of your stomach ? So accept it, it will be your worst enemy or your best friend depending on how you deal with it.

Realize that the fear is irrational, the things we fear are more or less non-existent, biggest fear we have comes from a AFC mindset of rejection, but here is the thing, to not approach IS a rejection in of itself.

Simply put if you strike up a conversation with a new person (male or female) in best case scenario all possibilities in the world open up to you from a cool friend, wingman/women, new relationship and so on. In worse case you get a no and/or get blown out of the set. To NOT approach is the same as no, so as you see by doing simple math the worst that can happen, happens weather you choose to open your mouth or not.

On the other hand everything that you have to gain from it is phenomenal. Personally for me the way to go is babysteps, start by just smiling to strangers, smile and say hi, pick an opener and work on that. Become processes orientated rather than outcome dependent, point is to desensitize yourself from that claustrophobic feeling you get when you want to approach that HB.

Get used to opening in nightclubs, cafe, grocery stores, cinemas, open anywhere and anyone. Why? because you want to be ready when the HB of your dream walks by which can be anywhere. We can discuss this till the cows come home but let's just put in the words of Mystery...Get out if the house, rack up the numbers and soon you will start enjoying it

Bobby Love

1 Response

  1. Rick Dutch
    I like this article Bobby! Well explained! One of the things that ALWAYS comes popping up when working with guys (coaching them) on their "social challenges" is indeed - the very first step to being social - which is;.... to start speaking with strangers! (ooohhhh the thought alone of doing this sends shivers over guys backs). What opener to use? <em>"But she is talking to her friend! I have to go pee first! I can't do it while you're watching! I need to drink atleast 3 beers before i do it! Normally i start talking right away, its just that i had a lot of work this week... Would'nt it be weird to just start talking to her? If you open a set first, i promise i'll open the next...I PROMISE!!!"</em> Haven't we heard it all! And honestly I have used these exact same excuses myself back in the days, and more! But the thing is, you will not EVER get comfortable with it if you don't start doing it...RIGHT NOW! "If you want to learn how to can't stand beside the pool and LOOK at the will have to wet!" This also goes for "approaching/speaking to strangers" if you want to get comfortable with it, you have to DO IT! There are no pills that will magically great at it, no magic spells and sure as hell tapping your wrist won't make you an approach machine... Like Bobby says, take baby steps (if you feel like a baby - lol!!!) or go and jump into every set you see if you are a bit bolder than that...BUT GO AND DO IT! There is no way around it, if you want to connect with others, you will have to take the first step yourself. If you want to become a real MAN, a man who LEADS his life (instead of letting life lead him) you will do whats needed to get what you want...otherwhise there is absolutely NO reason for any women to be with you, as real women desire a real man...a man who takes action! So go and take action, TODAY! Start talking to 5 random ladies a day, every day, for a whole week! Then after a short while you go for 10 ladies a day! Do that for a month, maybe two, and you will be in control of your fear of the approach i promise you that much! Power to you, good luck and make it happen man, there are tons of women out there waiting for you to start talking to them! Rick Dutch X

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