Musings on Attraction

Women have it easy, don’t they?

They spend a bit of time on their hair. A little more time on their makeup. A little less time sliding into small dresses and putting on the right combination of push-up bras and high heels. And voila.. they got attraction in spades!

We DO struggle as men. Though, we mainly struggle because we try to decode female-to-male attraction from our male perspective. We think our replication value (i.e. looks, physique) must be higher on her priority list because that’s what we value most in women. It’s not our fault. It’s the way our brains are wired. And it’s only when we come to understand that men and women are wired differently that the fog tends to clear up.

I asked one of my male friends the other day what his fears were when it comes to meeting women. He quickly pointed out the fact that he only meets women through online dating (he’s not into pickup) and that he tries putting the best pictures of himself on dating apps since dating apps are usually very looks-oriented. It turns out, his biggest fear was whether or not women who meet him in real life would find him attractive enough. I wondered what a woman would say.

The following day, I asked one of my female friends out of curiosity what her biggest fears were when it comes to online dating. You know what the answer was? Serial killers! Yeah you read that right. Her biggest fear was going on a date with a serial killer she met online. Now that’s a sentence that’s never been uttered by a man. Ever.

Interestingly, this reminded me of something a girl said to me once that caught my attention. A regular street approach ending in a hook-up. After our first night together, I asked her what was it about me she found attractive. Now that I crossed the finish line, I was curious. My ears perked up in anticipation. She said something I didn’t forget for a while. She said: “Well, you make me feel safe”.

I find you attractive because you make me feel safe. Now that’s another sentence a man has never uttered to a woman.

Upon reflection, I thought I must have unknowingly triggered the “protector of loved ones” switch, one of the main attraction switches for those of you familiar with textbook game-theory. These switches had been discovered long before game became game as we know it today. Today’s game merely incorporated them in it. Mystery famously said that “preselection” (being chosen and desired by other women) is half of the game. A clear assertion of how powerful one of the most important tools we have in pickup really is. Yet, of the people I know, I can count the number of them who actively use it on my two hands.

I’m still not entirely sure why.

It wasn’t Mystery who discovered Preselection. These “switches” are deeply rooted in these old machines inside our skulls. Great studies have been done in this field. David Buss’ “The Evolution Of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating” came out in 1994. It’s a fascinating read for the interested in evolutionary psychology but an absolute must-read for the initiated among us. But how many people interested in this beautiful art have actually studied the fascinating work of David Buss?

Still not entirely sure why.

Men struggle. I get it. They can’t see it. Not from a woman’s perspective. But as you’ll swiftly infer, understanding how different a woman’s wiring is from our own can be pretty advantageous in our pursuit of deciphering female reproductive psychology. And for those of us who’ve developed an appreciation for this art that’s enriched our lives in so many ways, we’ve done our homework.

Have you done yours?


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