As males, we get jealous for good reason and although i don't have the next few hours to dwell on Evolutionary Sciences, the emotion of jealousy has been around since the dawn of time and there for good reason - to protect your partner so that you successfully pass on YOUR genes (as opposed to her passing on some other guy's that was sniffing around 🙂
this is from an original forum
response to a guy with a Jealousy Issue
and a GF giving him the run around.
Here is the core of the mistake....
YOU let the Playing Field become to open to interpretation!
Women like to know their boundaries! - When I was in the Army in my spare time I used to referee Basketball Games and one thing my Ref Tutor always had me do was 'blow the whistle early'. So within the first sprint along the court, I'd blow for someone illegal blocking, even though the severity didn't really warrant it. I would do it firmly and not entertain any player's complaints. What this was good for, was setting the tone of acceptable behaviour I expected as this was MY court. This made the boundaries VERY clear. This ensured that for the full game it was clean and fair without major incident.
Unfortunately right at the beginning of the relationship, you didnt 'blow the whistle' when she was having phone sex or other flirtatious behaviour. Am not sure also if you discussed early on (when you both new you were into each other), what is each your definition of cheating - you both agree = Investment of discussion = Commitment. By not calling her on this (I wouldn't have let it get that far) you left an 'Open Game' and your playing boundaries were way wide. This then affected you later when you did pipe up and complained about some other behaviour - she accused YOU of being too 'possessive and jealous' WTF!
TIP - when you get into the early stages of a relationship, I would look for something that they do wrong that I dont like (something a normal guy wont say anything about to not rock the boat in a fluffy new relationship), and I call her on it.....
"Name, i like you and I can see something exciting for us together, but that, (explain x briefly what she did - very briefly) in a relationship with me, is not something that I will accept. Let me know now if that is going to be an issue for you." - Now what is important when you say this, is to be firm, (not groveling, not pleading, not ranting or raving), just matter of fact, referee style, reminding her of the rules on your court! Don't wait for a response, just go about your business and if done right you will find she comes to you to apologize and that she understands and also is looking for a bit of warmth (give her a cuddle and kiss on the forehead).
This will have set the boundaries, re-inforced that YOU are the leader in this relationship (not her) and even make her more attracted and attached to you.
Like I said, do this early when you are both 'getting into the relationship'
(had plenty of sex and you are a couple).
@The Dragon - for you personally my friend....
With the issues you have experienced AND the fact that you don't see each other for a month in between - MOVE ON would be my honest and heart felt advice. Or... if that is too hard, let her know if that is the kind of relationship she wants - it's cool with you and kind of puts you now in an 'Open' style relationship, which also gives YOU the freedom to explore others in the 3 weeks you are not together. - 3 weeks good sarging practise! (will also help you not get over attached).
Smile and have a great weekend!
THE ORIGINAL POST
by the Dragon......
Dealing with Jealousy
I have a problem at the moment that's actually been a problem for a while but is really manifesting right now, and that is dealing with my own jealousy.
I've been with my current girlfriend for two months. Right before we got together I was in another long term relationship and she had several "internet" flings going on - flirting and "sex-texting" with various guys. One month after we got together when she was drunk one of her old guys came onto her and she had phone sex with him. I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and stay with her since she seemed to be making a lot of effort to make up for it, even allowing her to continue speaking to the guy after he gave me a formal apology. The other thing that concerned me is that with her previous boyfriend, over a year ago, she cheated on him (kissing and he fingered her) with a guy named Will. Recently, she started speaking to Will again and, as she doesn't have any friends at her university, he came round to her house for dinner. When I raised a complaint about this, she called me possessive and jealous. From her perspective, I can see why it might come across that way - I sulk/complain when she brings up Alex (the guy she had phone sex with), Will or her other friend Carl whom she told she might be with if her and I weren't together.
Dealing with jealousy is something i've always had problems with, even in my last relationship I was always very cynical about her going out with other guys, and whilst I normally try and keep this to myself, its a horrible sinking feeling in your stomach and I really don't know how to handle it. Am I being unreasonable by finding it weird that she invited Will over to her house or that she still speaks to Alex? Is there anything I can do to stop myself feeling so jealous whenever she goes to see another guy just incase something happens?
I should also include that we are "long distance" - she lives near London so we only see each other once a month or so for about a week. We spend a lot of our other time on Webcam though.
Logically when i'm in a normal mood, I know she isn't cheating on me - that doesn't stop me worrying about it like hell when i'm feeling jealous about it. So I guess I have two questions, one, how do you deal with that feeling of jealousy and two, how can I set boundaries without coming across as jealous (bearing in mind that whilst she never cheated on me with Will, I still find it weird they would see each other).